Difference Is Not Deficiency

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[READ THIS! This article focuses primarily on marriage, but its principles apply to relationships in general. It is available in five versions: the original article and four personality-adapted editions—one for each primary DISC personality. The truth remains the same, but the language, organization, emphasis, and application have been adapted to help you understand it through the way you naturally process information. Choose your personality below and read it in your own personality “language.” or just keep reading below.]

DOMINANT | INSPIRING | SUPPORTIVE | CONSCIENTIOUS 

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Several years ago, my bride and I attended a certification course on Personality and Marriage. There were approximately fifty couples in the room, all learning how to use personality assessments to help married couples understand one another better.

My wife and I had the greatest personality difference of any couple there.

I am 100% Inspiring and 97% Dominant. I am highly Outgoing, fast-paced, expressive, decisive, optimistic, spontaneous, and usually ready to act before some people have finished explaining why we should not. My bride is 100% Conscientious and 100% Supportive. She is Reserved, careful, consistent, thoughtful, precise, patient, and generally prefers that all relevant facts be located, examined, alphabetized, and placed in protective sleeves before anyone touches anything.

Using a standard four-direction DISC circle, our profiles are approximately 179.13 degrees apart on a 180-degree scale. That’s less than 1% similar. For all intents and purposes, we are totally opposite. Not a little alike. Not a smidgeon. Not a tad.

We were not simply opposites. Apparently, God knew the full 180 degrees might violate local building codes.

We recently celebrated 48 years of marriage. It has not always been easy. If we are distributing awards for suffering, my bride will receive the largest trophy. Nevertheless, there have also been areas where our differences have been difficult for me. What feels obvious to one of us can seem entirely foreign to the other. What one considers a loving response may feel unresponsive to the other. What one considers careful wisdom may feel like needless delay. What one considers enthusiasm may look suspiciously like a small parade that no one authorized.

During that certification course, something happened that changed the way my wife understood me.

The instructor’s personality was remarkably similar to mine. As she listened to him teach, watched how he communicated, and recognized his behavioral patterns, she had an epiphany. Some of the things she had interpreted as personal defects in me were recognizable personality tendencies in him.

She did not suddenly conclude that everything I had ever done was right. It was not. She did not discover that I had no character problems. I had several available for immediate inspection. What she discovered was that not everything she disliked about me was evidence that I was selfish, careless, immature, or deliberately trying to make her life difficult.

Some of it was simply difference.

She realized that the toad she had married was not necessarily a mean, evil, nasty toad. Some of his more toad-like qualities came from a personality profoundly different from hers. Somewhere along the line, kissing the toad didn’t turn me into a prince, but it did make me less green…

That understanding did not excuse my behavior. It changed the starting point from which she interpreted it.

There is an enormous difference between saying, “My husband behaves differently from me,” and saying, “My husband behaves wrongly because he does not behave like me.”

That difference can change the atmosphere of a marriage.

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We Usually Think Our Personality Is Normal

Every person lives inside his or her own personality. We do not wake up each morning and consciously choose our natural pace, emotional expression, decision-making style, tolerance for risk, need for information, or approach to conflict. Those things simply feel normal to us.

The problem is that normal gradually becomes correct.

We begin by preferring our way. Then we assume our way is the sensible way. Eventually, without ever holding a formal election, we appoint our personality as the standard by which everyone else should be evaluated.

The fast-paced spouse believes the slower spouse needs to become more decisive.

The careful spouse believes the spontaneous spouse needs to become more responsible.

The expressive spouse believes the reserved spouse needs to become more loving.

The reserved spouse believes the expressive spouse needs to develop self-control.

The direct spouse believes the diplomatic spouse should stop avoiding the truth.

The diplomatic spouse believes the direct spouse should stop using the truth as a blunt-force instrument.

Each spouse believes maturity will eventually make the other person more like them.

It will not.

Your spouse may need to mature. Your spouse may need to change. Your spouse may need to repent. But your spouse does not need to grow up to become you.

Difference is not deficiency.

[We use The DISC Model of Human Behavior when talking about personality. It is a simple way of understanding the four primary patterns of personality: Dominant, Inspiring, Supportive, and Conscientious (spelling DISC). It considers a person’s Pace—whether Outgoing or Reserved—and Compass—whether primarily Task-oriented or People-oriented—to help explain how people naturally communicate, make decisions, approach work, and respond to others. Most people display a blend of all four patterns, with one or two usually appearing more strongly. DISC describes observable tendencies, not ability, maturity, or character, and it helps us understand how someone may naturally behave, but never excuses how anyone chooses to behave. The DISC Model of Human Behavior]

Personality has nothing to do with intelligence. A person with any DISC personality can possess a very high IQ, extraordinary insight, or exceptional ability. A Conscientious person is not necessarily smarter than a Dominant, Inspiring, or Supportive person. Conscientious personalities may sometimes appear more intelligent because they tend to think before speaking, examine the details, verify their conclusions, and present their thoughts carefully. Inspiring personalities are often processing just as rapidly, but some of that processing may escape through their mouths before passing final inspection.

Conscientious personalities are also frequently drawn toward intellectually demanding and detail-critical professions such as medicine, law, engineering, aviation, accounting, and research. This is not necessarily because they possess greater intelligence. One of their greatest natural strengths is focus. They can remain with a difficult subject, examine it deeply, master its details, and tolerate the repetition required to develop expertise. Focus is often far more difficult for the opposite Inspiring personality, whose attention is naturally drawn toward people, possibilities, new ideas, and whatever interesting thing just entered the room. The difference is not intelligence. It is the natural ability to concentrate that intelligence in one place for an extended period. Any personality can be brilliant. The question is how that personality naturally directs, develops, and expresses its intelligence.

There are many useful personality models. Some provide remarkable depth for understanding the individual. DISC is especially useful in relationships because people can understand it relatively quickly, recognize the behaviors in daily life, and begin making practical adjustments.

A tool only helps when people can understand and apply what it reveals. DISC gives couples a simple language for conversations they may have been attempting unsuccessfully for years.

“Oh. You are not trying to ignore me. You need time to process before you respond.”

“You are not necessarily trying to pressure me. You naturally move toward decisions more quickly than I do.”

“You are not withholding affection because you do not love me. You express love differently than I do.”

“You are not asking all those questions because you distrust me. You need accurate information before you feel comfortable proceeding.”

Understanding does not solve everything, but it allows couples to stop fighting the wrong problem.

Personality and Character Are Not the Same Thing

This distinction must be held firmly because we make errors in both directions.

Personality describes how someone naturally tends to behave. Character reveals whether someone behaves truthfully, lovingly, responsibly, and faithfully.

Personality affects the manner in which we act. Character reveals the moral quality of what we choose.

A Dominant person may be naturally direct. Directness is personality. Cruelty is character.

An Inspiring person may communicate with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm is personality. Exaggeration, manipulation, and repeated broken promises involve character.

A Supportive person may prefer harmony and avoid conflict. A desire for peace is personality. Concealed resentment, dishonesty, or refusal to address necessary problems involves character.

A Conscientious person may need accuracy and order. Carefulness is personality. Using criticism, silence, or impossible standards to control and diminish a spouse involves character.

Personality is not right or wrong, good or bad. It is different.

Character can be right or wrong. Behavior can be loving or selfish. Words can be truthful or deceptive. Actions can be faithful or sinful.

We must never demand that someone repent for having a different personality. We must also never allow someone to call sin a personality difference.

That is the line couples must learn to see.

“Why can you not make decisions as quickly as I do?” may be an accusation against personality.

“Why did you refuse to make a necessary decision for six months while the family suffered?” may reveal a character and responsibility problem.

“Why do you need to talk about everything?” may be an accusation against personality.

“Why did you repeat something confidential after promising not to?” is a character question.

“Why are you so quiet?” may be an accusation against personality.

“Why did you withdraw for three days to punish me?” addresses behavior and character.

“Why must everything be done exactly your way?” may begin with a personality collision, but if carefulness becomes control, criticism, contempt, or an unwillingness to listen, character has entered the room.

The question is not merely, “Is this natural for me?”

The better question is, “Am I stewarding what comes naturally in a way that loves my spouse?”

Personality explains behavior. It never excuses behavior.

A mature person learns to say, “This response comes naturally to me, but now that I understand how it affects you, I am responsible for governing it in love.”

An immature person says, “That is just how I am.”

DISC should never become a permission slip for remaining selfish. It should become a map showing us where selfishness is most likely to appear.

Our Strengths and Weaknesses Often Grow Together

Many of our greatest strengths and most persistent weaknesses grow from the same personality tendencies.

Decisiveness can become domination.

Confidence can become arrogance.

Enthusiasm can become exaggeration.

Optimism can become denial.

Patience can become passivity.

Loyalty can become unhealthy accommodation.

Accuracy can become perfectionism.

Carefulness can become paralysis.

The strength is not necessarily false because it can be carried too far. The weakness is often the strength operating without sufficient love, wisdom, restraint, or self-awareness.

Your greatest weakness may not be the opposite of your greatest strength. It may be your greatest strength without restraint.

This is why character matters so much. Personality supplies natural energy. Character governs that energy.

The goal is not to remove the personality God has given us. The goal is to steward it faithfully.

God Never Intended Every Member to Be the Same

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 12, “For the body does not consist of one part, but of many.” He then gives us an almost humorous picture. The foot cannot decide that because it is not a hand, it does not belong to the body. The ear cannot resign because it is not an eye. The eye cannot tell the hand, “I do not need you.”

Yet husbands and wives do this regularly.

The fast-moving spouse says, “I do not need your caution.”

The careful spouse says, “I do not need your spontaneity.”

The expressive spouse says, “I do not need your quiet strength.”

The reserved spouse says, “I do not need your enthusiasm.”

What we often mean is, “I would prefer that you bring your strengths to this marriage without requiring me to experience any inconvenience from the way God made you.”

But that is not how bodies work, and it is not how marriages work.

My bride brings stability, consistency, patience, loyalty, accuracy, and careful thought into our marriage. I bring initiative, expression, optimism, energy, and a willingness to move. Neither set of qualities is complete by itself. Both can become distorted by sin. Both can also be used by God for the good of the other person and the purposes He has given us together.

God did not make my wife different from me because He ran out of my personality type. He did not make me different from her because the Conscientious and Supportive department had closed early.

Our differences were not a manufacturing error.

Difference is not deficiency.

Sometimes the Opposites Are Within One Person

Most discussions about personality and marriage focus on opposites between spouses. Opposites attract, and after the wedding, opposites sometimes attack.

There is another pattern I began noticing many years ago. In several couples who were experiencing severe marital problems and eventually divorced, one spouse had strongly opposing personality patterns within the same profile, particularly an I/C or C/I blend.

The Inspiring and Conscientious patterns sit opposite each other. One is Outgoing and People-oriented. The other is Reserved and Task-oriented. One naturally expresses, connects, improvises, and responds. The other naturally analyzes, restrains, verifies, and protects against error.

Both patterns genuinely belong to the person.

In ordinary circumstances, the primary pattern may be most visible. Under stress, the opposing pattern may suddenly take command. An expressive, socially confident spouse may withdraw, become intensely analytical, critical, guarded, or emotionally contained. A normally controlled and reserved spouse may become highly verbal, emotional, reactive, or approval-seeking.

The other spouse becomes confused.

“I thought I knew who you were. Why are you behaving like an entirely different person?”

The person has not necessarily developed a different personality. Stress may have activated another strong but opposing part of the existing blend.

After noticing this pattern in several divorcing couples, I began looking for it more intentionally. Over approximately fifteen years, among the couples in whom I personally observed this strong I/C or C/I pattern, only one remains married.

That is not a controlled empirical study. It does not prove that an I/C or C/I blend causes divorce. It is my continuing personal observation, and the number of couples is limited. However, the repetition is substantial enough to form a responsible working theory and to alert couples to a pressure they may not understand.

The danger is not the personality blend itself. The danger is unmanaged confusion.

When neither spouse understands what is happening, the behavioral shift may be interpreted as manipulation, instability, dishonesty, rejection, or evidence that the spouse’s earlier behavior was fraudulent.

Once the pattern is recognized, the couple can begin asking better questions.

What activates the shift?

What does it feel like internally?

What does the other spouse see externally?

How can the person explain what is happening before withdrawing or reacting?

How should the spouse respond without escalating the situation?

Which behaviors are personality expressions that need understanding and which are sinful responses that require repentance?

Knowledge replaces some of the fear. Language replaces some of the confusion. Responsibility replaces some of the accusation.

A Marriage With Opposites Everywhere

At that same marriage-certification course, another couple had opposing patterns not merely between them, but within each person. She was an I/C, and he was a D/S.

Her personality contained expression and restraint, spontaneity and precision, social confidence and private analysis.

His personality contained force and accommodation, urgency and patience, independence and a need for stability.

The stories they told about their marriage were horrifying. Under stress, either spouse could move across both Pace and Compass. The entire relational pattern could change quickly, leaving both people uncertain about what had just happened and who would appear next.

Yet they remained married.

They were believers, and God kept them together.

Their story matters because personality creates pressure, but personality does not determine destiny. An assessment can identify risk. It cannot measure the sustaining grace of God, the strength of covenant, the fruit of repentance, or what may happen when two people continue submitting themselves to Christ.

Christians are not prisoners of their natural tendencies.

Personality may explain where the struggle appears. Scripture tells us what faithfulness requires within it. The Holy Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control in people whose natural personalities may pull them in very different directions.

How Couples Should Use a Personality Assessment

A personality assessment should not be used to determine which spouse is right. It should help both spouses discover what is different, identify what is harmful, and learn how to love one another more wisely.

Begin by asking:

What does my spouse naturally need that I may not naturally provide?

Which of my behaviors does my spouse regularly misunderstand?

Which of my spouse’s differences have I wrongly treated as immaturity?

Which of my strengths become harmful when carried too far?

What must I intentionally change in order to love my spouse well?

Then learn to separate the issues.

A personality difference usually requires understanding, translation, accommodation, and loving adaptation.

A character problem requires truth, responsibility, confession, repentance, repair, and change.

Ask whether the behavior is contrary to Scripture or merely contrary to your preference.

Ask whether your spouse is behaving sinfully or simply behaving differently from how you would.

Ask whether the behavior produces genuine harm or primarily makes you uncomfortable.

Ask what happens when the effect is lovingly explained. Does your spouse listen, take responsibility, and attempt to adapt? Or does your spouse hide behind, “That is just how I am”?

Ask whether you are dealing with an occasional personality collision or a continuing pattern of dishonesty, selfishness, contempt, irresponsibility, or refusal to repent.

Do not demand that your spouse repent for being different.

Do not allow your spouse to call sin a personality difference.

Why Understanding Sometimes Comes Before Conviction

After Scripture, personality assessment has been the most useful tool I have seen for helping couples understand one another.

That does not mean DISC is more authoritative, truthful, or powerful than God’s Word. Scripture alone reveals God’s truth, exposes the heart, defines love, identifies sin, and directs us toward Christ.

But people do not always want to follow Scripture.

A husband hears, “Love your wife as Christ loved the church,” while remaining convinced that his wife is the true obstacle to his obedience. A wife hears, “Bear with one another and forgive,” while believing that her husband would no longer require forbearance if he would simply become sensible.

The heart remains defended because each person has confused personal preference with biblical righteousness.

Personality understanding can soften that defense.

It helps someone consider, perhaps for the first time, “My spouse may not be wrong. My spouse may be different.”

Once the accusation softens, Scripture can address the heart more directly.

DISC can explain the difference and soften the heart. Scripture reveals what love requires and transforms the person.

The assessment provides language for what is happening. God’s Word tells us what faithfulness requires. The assessment may help us identify our natural tendencies. The Spirit of God changes how we steward them.

No personality has exclusive ownership of any sin. Every personality can be proud, selfish, dishonest, unfaithful, angry, controlling, resentful, or irresponsible. Personality may help explain the form temptation takes or the pressure under which it appears. It never removes personal responsibility for the choice.

1. The Inspiring personality’s desire for greater physical intimacy may conflict with the Conscientious personality’s lesser drive, but personality does not cause adultery. Choosing an affair is sin and reveals a failure of character.

2. A Dominant personality may naturally communicate directly, but personality does not cause cruelty. Choosing words intended to wound, humiliate, or overpower another person is sin.

3. An Inspiring personality may naturally enjoy attention and affirmation, but personality does not cause flirtation or emotional unfaithfulness. Seeking improper intimacy outside the marriage is a character choice.

4. A Supportive personality may naturally avoid conflict, but personality does not cause dishonesty. Concealing the truth to escape an uncomfortable conversation is sin.

5. A Conscientious personality may naturally notice errors, but personality does not cause contempt. Using another person’s mistakes to belittle, shame, or control them is sin.

6. A Dominant personality may naturally want a decision made quickly, but personality does not cause domination. Refusing to listen, silencing disagreement, or forcing others to submit to personal preference is a character failure.

7. An Inspiring personality may naturally speak freely and process thoughts aloud, but personality does not cause gossip. Repeating confidential or damaging information is a sinful choice.

8. A Supportive personality may naturally desire peace, but personality does not cause passive aggression. Withdrawing cooperation, quietly obstructing progress, or punishing someone through silence is sin.

9. A Conscientious personality may naturally require more information before acting, but personality does not cause irresponsible delay. Refusing to make a necessary decision after the relevant facts are known is a failure of stewardship.

10. A Dominant personality may naturally respond rapidly under pressure, but personality does not cause rage. Threatening, intimidating, retaliating, or making people pay is sin.

11. An Inspiring personality may naturally communicate with enthusiasm and optimism, but personality does not cause lying. Exaggerating facts, making promises one has no intention of keeping, or changing the story to gain approval is a character problem.

12. A Supportive personality may naturally endure difficulty for a long time, but personality does not cause enabling. Protecting someone from the rightful consequences of continuing sin can become unfaithful accommodation.

13. A Conscientious personality may naturally value high standards, but personality does not cause self-righteousness. Treating personal standards as moral law and condemning others for failing to meet them is sin.

14. A Dominant personality may naturally pursue results, but personality does not cause exploitation. Sacrificing people, families, health, or integrity to accomplish a goal is a character failure.

15. An Inspiring personality may naturally seek acceptance, but personality does not cause manipulation. Using charm, emotion, affection, or spiritual language to control another person is sin.

16. A Supportive personality may naturally process hurt privately, but personality does not cause bitterness. Rehearsing offenses, nurturing resentment, and refusing biblical forgiveness are choices of the heart.

17. A Conscientious personality may naturally withdraw to think, but personality does not cause punitive silence. Withholding communication or affection to punish a spouse is sin.

18. A Dominant personality may naturally resist being controlled, but personality does not cause rebellion. Refusing legitimate authority simply because someone else holds it is a character problem.

19. An Inspiring personality may naturally become excited about new possibilities, but personality does not cause irresponsibility. Abandoning commitments whenever something more interesting appears is a failure of faithfulness.

20. A Supportive personality may naturally dislike disappointing people, but personality does not cause people-pleasing dishonesty. Saying yes while inwardly intending not to follow through is sin.

21. A Conscientious personality may naturally detect inconsistencies, but personality does not cause suspicion. Assuming evil motives without sufficient evidence and treating those assumptions as facts is a character failure.

22. Any personality may feel misunderstood, pressured, neglected, criticized, controlled, or unloved, but personality does not cause retaliation. We remain responsible before God for how we respond when another person sins against us.

Personality may explain why a particular temptation feels powerful, why a response comes quickly, or why a sinful habit takes a certain form. It cannot convert sin into a personality difference.

Personality describes the pressure. Character is revealed in the choice.

The Marriage Is Still Standing

My bride and I are almost complete personality opposites. The difficulties have been real, and after 48 years, neither of us has become the other.

She has not grown into an Inspiring/Dominant personality.

I have not gradually transformed into a Conscientious/Supportive personality, although I have occasionally checked a fact before speaking and would appreciate that being entered into the permanent record.

What has changed is our understanding. What has also changed, by God’s grace, is our character.

Christ has been at the center of our marriage. My bride has extended extraordinary patience and faithfulness. God has exposed selfishness, corrected foolishness, taught us to appreciate what we once resisted, and enabled me to grow up a little. She can tolerate me now.

The marriage is still standing.

There have been structural repairs, considerable overdue maintenance, and several areas that probably would not pass the original inspection. But the foundation is Christ, and by His grace, the building remains sound.

Your spouse may never think, speak, decide, respond, plan, or express love as you do. That is not necessarily evidence that something is wrong.

Difference is not deficiency.

Stop asking how to make your spouse more like you. Begin asking how understanding your spouse can help you love more wisely.

Do not prosecute the difference. Learn to steward it in love.

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Read This Through Your Own Personality!

The truth does not change, but the way we most naturally understand and apply it often does. Choose the edition written specifically for your primary DISC personality:

Dominant Edition — Direct, concise, action- and results-oriented
Inspiring Edition — Relational, expressive, encouraging, and engaging
Supportive Edition — Patient, steady, relationally safe, and gently challenging
Conscientious Edition — Precise, structured, carefully reasoned, and thoroughly qualified

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Endnotes

¹The math behind our personality difference:
Using the standard four-direction DISC circle (360°):

• Dominant and Supportive are opposite.
• Inspiring and Conscientious are opposite.

We treat each profile as a directional vector:

• My profile: I = 100, D = 97 Royce = (1,97)
• My bride’s profile: S = 100, C = 100 Because S opposes D and C opposes I:
  Bride = (−100,−100)

My directional angle is: θR​=tan−1(97100​) θR​≈45.87°

My bride’s vector, (−100,−100), points precisely southwest: θB​=225°

Therefore: 225°−45.87°=179.13°

So our profiles are: 179.13° apart on a 180° scale​

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Metadata

Spheres: Marriage & Family

Leadership Matters: Character & the Heart, Personality & People, Relationships & Reconciliation, Stewardship

What Are You Facing?: Conflict, Personality Differences, Something in Your Own Heart

Primary Scripture: 1 Corinthians 12:12–27

Related Scriptures: Romans 12:3–10, Philippians 2:3–4, Colossians 3:12–14, Ephesians 4:1–3, Galatians 5:22–23, 1 Peter 4:8–10

Tags: marriage, personality, DISC, character, personality differences, communication, conflict, Christian marriage, understanding your spouse, opposites attract, covenant, relationships, personal growth

Excerpt: Personality is not right or wrong, good or bad. It is different. Learning to separate personality differences from character problems can replace accusation with understanding and help couples love one another more wisely.