Difference Is Not Deficiency — Dominant Edition

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Here is the point:

Your spouse may need to change, mature, or repent. Your spouse does not need to become more like you.

If you confuse personality differences with character defects, you will repeatedly correct things that are not wrong, create conflicts that do not need to exist, and damage the person you believe you are helping.

Difference is not deficiency.

Several years ago, my bride and I attended a certification course on personality and marriage. Approximately fifty couples were learning how personality affects communication, decisions, conflict, expectations, and intimacy.

My wife and I had the greatest personality difference of any couple in the room.

I am 100 Inspiring and 97 Dominant. I am Outgoing, fast-paced, expressive, decisive, optimistic, spontaneous, and usually ready to act before some people have finished explaining why we should not.

My bride is 100 Conscientious and 100 Supportive. She is Reserved, careful, patient, consistent, precise, and generally prefers that all relevant facts be located, examined, alphabetized, and placed in protective sleeves before anyone touches anything.

On a standard four-direction DISC circle, our profiles are approximately 179.13 degrees apart on a 180-degree scale.

We were not simply opposites. Apparently, the Lord knew the full 180 degrees might violate local building codes.

During that course, my wife experienced an important change in perspective. The instructor’s personality was remarkably similar to mine. As she watched him teach, communicate, and respond, she recognized many of my behavioral patterns in him.

Some things she had interpreted as personal defects in me were recognizable personality tendencies in him.

She did not conclude that everything I had ever done was right. It was not. I had several character problems available for immediate inspection. She realized, however, that not everything she disliked about me proved I was selfish, careless, immature, or deliberately trying to make her life difficult.

Some of it was simply difference.

She realized that the toad she had married was not necessarily a mean, evil, nasty toad. Some of his more toad-like qualities came from a personality profoundly different from hers. Somewhere along the line, kissing the toad didn’t turn me into a prince, but it did make me less green…

That understanding did not excuse my behavior. It changed the starting point from which she interpreted it.

There is an enormous difference between saying, “My spouse behaves differently from me,” and saying, “My spouse behaves wrongly because my spouse does not behave like me.”

That difference can change a marriage.

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Your Personality Is Not the Standard

Every personality naturally assumes its own approach makes sense.

Fast people wonder why everyone else moves so slowly.

Decisive people wonder why everyone else needs more information.

Direct people wonder why everyone else cannot simply say what they mean.

Task-oriented people wonder why others allow feelings and relationships to interfere with accomplishing the objective.

Dominant personalities are especially susceptible to this error because decisiveness produces results. When you make decisions quickly, confront problems directly, accept risk, and push through obstacles, you often accomplish things others do not.

That success can quietly become evidence, in your mind, that your way is not merely effective but correct.

It is not.

Your approach may be effective in some circumstances and destructive in others. Speed is valuable when delay is costly. Speed is dangerous when you have not listened. Directness creates clarity when it is governed by love. Directness becomes cruelty when the objective is to overpower rather than understand.

Your strengths are real. They are not universal solutions.

Maturity does not make your spouse more like you. Maturity teaches both of you to steward your differences faithfully.

[We use The DISC Model of Human Behavior when talking about personality. It is a simple way of understanding the four primary patterns of personality: Dominant, Inspiring, Supportive, and Conscientious (spelling DISC). It considers a person’s Pace—whether Outgoing or Reserved—and Compass—whether primarily Task-oriented or People-oriented—to help explain how people naturally communicate, make decisions, approach work, and respond to others. Most people display a blend of all four patterns, with one or two usually appearing more strongly. DISC describes observable tendencies, not ability, maturity, or character, and it helps us understand how someone may naturally behave, but never excuses how anyone chooses to behave.]

Personality has nothing to do with intelligence. Any personality can possess a very high IQ, extraordinary insight, or exceptional ability.

A Conscientious person may appear more intelligent because careful thinkers often examine the facts, verify their conclusions, and organize their thoughts before speaking. Inspiring personalities may be processing just as rapidly, but some of that processing occasionally escapes through their mouths before passing final inspection.

The difference is not intelligence. The difference is how each personality naturally directs, develops, and expresses it.

Different Does Not Mean Ineffective

A Dominant spouse tends to value action, results, competence, and control over circumstances. When another person operates differently, the temptation is to conclude that the person is ineffective.

That conclusion is often wrong.

A Supportive spouse’s patience may prevent you from breaking something you will later need.

A Conscientious spouse’s questions may expose a flaw that confidence overlooked.

An Inspiring spouse’s relational awareness may gain cooperation that authority could never compel.

A slower decision is not necessarily indecision.

A question is not necessarily opposition.

Caution is not necessarily fear.

A concern about people is not necessarily resistance to the objective.

Your spouse may be protecting something you are moving too quickly to see.

If you dismiss that contribution because it slows you down, you may get the immediate result and still produce long-term damage. A decision is not successful merely because it was made quickly. A goal is not successful merely because it was reached.

Results matter. People are part of the result.

Personality and Character Are Not the Same Thing

The distinction is straightforward:

Personality describes how someone naturally tends to behave.

Character reveals whether someone behaves truthfully, lovingly, responsibly, and faithfully.

A Dominant person may communicate directly. Directness is personality. Cruelty is character.

An Inspiring person may communicate enthusiastically. Enthusiasm is personality. Exaggeration or manipulation involves character.

A Supportive person may prefer harmony. The desire for peace is personality. Dishonesty or concealed resentment involves character.

A Conscientious person may require accuracy. Carefulness is personality. Contempt, control, and impossible standards involve character.

Do not demand that your spouse repent for being different.

Do not allow your spouse to call sin a personality difference.

The line matters.

“Why can’t you decide as quickly as I do?” may be an accusation against personality.

“Why did you refuse to make a necessary decision for six months while the family suffered?” addresses responsibility.

“Why do you need time before answering?” may be an accusation against personality.

“Why did you withdraw for three days to punish me?” addresses character.

“Why are you asking more questions?” may reveal impatience with a difference.

“Why did you conceal information or deliberately obstruct the decision?” addresses sin.

The question is not, “Would I have done this differently?”

The question is, “Is this contrary to Scripture, or merely contrary to my preference?”

That question will eliminate a considerable amount of unnecessary conflict.

Your Strength Can Become the Problem

Dominant personalities possess valuable strengths:

Decisiveness.

Courage.

Initiative.

Confidence.

Independence.

A willingness to confront difficult problems.

The ability to act under pressure.

Those strengths can also become:

Domination.

Arrogance.

Impatience.

Control.

Unwillingness to listen.

Needless conflict.

Sacrificing people to accomplish a goal.

Your greatest weakness may not be the opposite of your greatest strength. It may be your greatest strength operating without sufficient love, wisdom, restraint, or self-awareness.

Decisiveness without listening becomes presumption.

Confidence without humility becomes arrogance.

Directness without love becomes cruelty.

Courage without wisdom becomes recklessness.

Leadership without stewardship becomes control.

Personality supplies the power. Character governs how that power is used.

Saying, “That is just how I am,” is not strength. It is the refusal to govern yourself.

Real strength accepts responsibility.

God Did Not Give You Every Necessary Strength

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 12, “For the body does not consist of one part, but of many.”

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I do not need you.”

Yet spouses say it regularly.

“I do not need your caution.”

“I do not need your questions.”

“I do not need your patience.”

“I do not need your concern about how this will affect everyone.”

What we often mean is, “I want your strengths available when I need them, but I do not want those strengths to interfere with what I have already decided.”

That is not partnership. It is using another person as supplemental staff.

God did not make your spouse different because one of you was designed correctly and the other arrived with manufacturing defects.

You do not possess every strength your marriage needs.

Your spouse may see what you miss, feel what you overlook, remember what you have forgotten, or recognize consequences you have not considered.

You do not become weaker by listening. You become better informed.

You do not surrender leadership by changing your decision. You demonstrate that the objective matters more than your ego.

You do not lose authority by apologizing. You prove you can be trusted with it.

Opposing Patterns Can Create Additional Pressure

Sometimes the greatest personality opposites exist within one person.

The Inspiring and Conscientious patterns sit opposite each other. One is Outgoing and People-oriented. The other is Reserved and Task-oriented. One naturally expresses, improvises, connects, and responds. The other analyzes, restrains, verifies, and protects against error.

When both patterns are strong, the person may appear socially confident and expressive in one circumstance, then guarded, critical, analytical, or emotionally contained under stress.

A similar internal tension can exist between Dominant and Supportive patterns. One pushes forward. The other preserves stability. One confronts. The other accommodates. One wants control. The other wants peace.

The behavioral shift can confuse a spouse.

After observing several marriages with strongly opposing I/C or C/I patterns, I began paying closer attention. Over approximately fifteen years, among the couples in whom I personally observed that strong pattern, only one remains married.

That is not a controlled empirical study, and it does not prove that the blend causes divorce. It is a continuing personal observation that has occurred often enough to produce a responsible working theory.

The danger is not the blend. The danger is unmanaged confusion.

If you see a major behavioral shift in your spouse, do not immediately attack, diagnose, or force a resolution. Ask:

What triggered the shift?

What is happening internally?

What does the other person need in order to communicate clearly?

Which behaviors require understanding?

Which behaviors require responsibility and repentance?

Demanding an immediate answer may satisfy your need for resolution while making resolution less likely.

Personality Creates Pressure; Character Makes the Choice

No personality has exclusive ownership of any sin. Every personality can be proud, selfish, dishonest, unfaithful, angry, controlling, resentful, or irresponsible.

Personality may help explain the form temptation takes. It never removes responsibility for the choice.

A Dominant personality may naturally communicate directly, but personality does not cause cruelty. Choosing words intended to wound, humiliate, or overpower is sin.

A Dominant personality may want a decision made quickly, but personality does not cause domination. Refusing to listen, silencing disagreement, or forcing others to submit to personal preference is a character failure.

A Dominant personality may respond rapidly under pressure, but personality does not cause rage. Threatening, intimidating, retaliating, or making people pay is sin.

A Dominant personality may resist being controlled, but personality does not cause rebellion. Rejecting legitimate authority merely because someone else holds it is a character problem.

A Dominant personality may pursue results, but personality does not cause exploitation. Sacrificing people, families, health, or integrity to accomplish a goal is a failure of stewardship.

The same principle applies to every personality.

Personality may explain why a temptation feels powerful, why a response comes quickly, or why a sinful pattern takes a particular form.

It cannot convert sin into a personality difference.

Personality describes the pressure. Character is revealed in the choice.

What a Dominant Spouse Should Do

Do not begin by making a list of what your spouse needs to change. You probably already have one. Begin with yourself.

Ask five questions:

1. Which differences in my spouse have I treated as defects?
2. Where has my speed prevented me from listening?
3. Where has my directness produced unnecessary damage?
4. When my spouse disagrees, do I seek understanding or prepare to win?
5. What must I intentionally change to make it safer for my spouse to tell me the truth?

Then take action.

Listen without interrupting.

Ask one more question before defending your position.

Do not punish hesitation.

Do not interpret every objection as disloyalty.

Do not require your spouse to match your emotional speed.

When you are wrong, say it plainly.

When you have caused harm, repair it.

When a decision affects both of you, do not confuse being capable of making the decision with having the right to make it alone.

Your spouse’s hesitation may frustrate you. Your force may frighten or exhaust your spouse.

Both of you have responsibilities. Begin with yours.

The Marriage Is Still Standing

My bride and I are almost complete personality opposites. After 48 years, neither of us has become the other.

She has not become an Inspiring/Dominant personality.

I have not become a Conscientious/Supportive personality, although I have occasionally checked a fact before speaking and would appreciate that being entered into the permanent record.

What has changed is our understanding. By God’s grace, our character has also changed.

Christ has been at the center of our marriage. My bride has extended extraordinary patience and faithfulness. God has exposed selfishness, corrected foolishness, taught us to value what we once resisted, and enabled me to grow up a little.

The marriage is still standing.

There have been structural repairs, considerable overdue maintenance, and several areas that probably would not pass the original inspection. But the foundation is Christ, and by His grace, the building remains sound.

Your spouse may never think, speak, decide, respond, plan, or express love as you do.

That is not necessarily a problem to solve.

Difference is not deficiency.

Stop trying to make your spouse more like you. Lead yourself. Listen well. Take responsibility. Use your strength to protect the marriage rather than control it.

Do not prosecute the difference.

Steward it in love.

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