When Your Strengths Frustrate Me

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Two Good People, One Frustrating Conversation

Michael could hardly contain his enthusiasm. He had been thinking about the idea for weeks, and the more he considered it, the more convinced he became that it could make a real difference. He could already see the possibilities, the people who would benefit, and the momentum it might create. He could hardly wait to share it with Susan.

Susan listened carefully. She appreciated Michael’s creativity, but as he described the idea, several questions immediately came to mind. Had anyone examined the costs? What assumptions were they making? Did they have enough information? What would happen if things did not go as planned?

Michael had barely finished explaining the opportunity when Susan began asking her questions.

“Have we considered what this will cost?”

“Not completely, but I think we can work that out.”

“What makes you confident people will respond the way you expect?”

“Well, I have talked with several people, and they seem really excited about it.”

“Several people? How many? And are they representative of the people we are trying to reach?”

Michael felt his enthusiasm beginning to drain away.

“Susan, I am just trying to get us thinking about what is possible. We do not have to figure out every detail right now.”

“I understand that, Michael, but if we are going to invest time and resources, should we not make sure the idea is sound before getting everyone excited?”

The conversation continued, but something had changed. Michael was no longer sharing his excitement. He was defending his idea. Susan was no longer exploring the opportunity. She was defending the importance of careful evaluation.

Eventually, the conversation ended.

As Michael walked away, he thought, Why does she always have to rain on my parade? Every time I come up with something exciting, she finds ten reasons it might not work. I just do not understand her.

Susan returned to her desk, equally frustrated. Why does he always get so excited before he has thought things through? These are legitimate questions. Someone needs to ask them. I just do not understand him.

Two capable people. Two legitimate concerns. Two entirely different ways of approaching the same opportunity. Both believed they were helping, and both believed they were right.

In important ways, both may have been. Michael was seeing possibilities Susan had not yet considered. Susan was identifying risks Michael had not yet examined. Michael’s enthusiasm could move an organization toward a worthwhile opportunity. Susan’s careful thinking could protect that same organization from an expensive mistake.

Neither contribution was inherently superior. Both needed to be tested against reality. Yet neither recognized the value of what the other was offering. Instead, each experienced the other’s strength as an obstacle.

What if the very thing that frustrates you about another person is something you genuinely need?

Difference Is Not Deficiency

The DISC Model of Human Behavior helps us understand four broad behavioral tendencies: Dominance (D), Influence (I), Steadiness (S), and Conscientiousness (C). For a fuller introduction, see our companion article, Understanding the DISC Model of Human Behavior (placeholder link).

DISC describes patterns of behavioral preference. It does not measure someone’s worth, intelligence, character, spiritual maturity, or capacity to learn. Neither does it mean that everyone fits neatly into one of four categories. We demonstrate combinations of these tendencies, often with one or two that are particularly pronounced.

Michael’s high-I personality naturally gravitates toward people, possibilities, enthusiasm, and influence. Susan’s high-C personality naturally gravitates toward accuracy, evidence, careful evaluation, and quality. These differences help explain their reactions, but they do not establish who is right.

A high-I can be enthusiastic about a terrible idea. A high-C can carefully analyze the wrong information. A high-D can decisively pursue an unwise objective. A high-S can patiently preserve something that desperately needs to change. Our natural strengths do not make our conclusions infallible.

Yet neither should we treat another person’s different approach as evidence that something is wrong with them. Difference is not deficiency. Sometimes the problem is not that the other person lacks something important. The problem is that we have mistaken their different way of contributing for a failure to contribute at all.

You Do Not Have to Live There. Just Visit.

I have a very high-I personality, accompanied by a very high-D. I naturally see possibilities, enjoy people, move quickly, and become enthusiastic about ideas that I believe can make a difference. Detailed evaluation does not come as naturally to me.

That does not mean I cannot evaluate details or recognize risks. I can, and I do. It means those activities often require deliberate effort rather than flowing naturally from my preferred behavioral tendencies.

When someone with a high-C personality begins identifying qualifications, exceptions, risks, and unanswered questions, I can become frustrated. Sometimes I experience those observations as unnecessary obstacles to something I already believe is valuable. Yet I have learned something important. Sometimes the high-C is not merely noticing something I overlooked. That person may be noticing something I would be unlikely to recognize without help.

I need that perspective. I may never develop the same natural inclination toward detailed evaluation. And perhaps I do not need to.

I do not have to live in someone else’s personality. I simply need to learn to visit there when necessary.

I can deliberately invite that person into my thinking. I can listen to questions I would not naturally ask, examine risks I might otherwise underestimate, and appreciate a contribution that does not feel particularly comfortable. Then I can return to my own natural strengths, better equipped to use them wisely.

The high-C needs to make that same journey in the opposite direction. A careful, analytical person may need to visit the high-I’s world of possibilities before determining whether an idea deserves further consideration. The high-D may need to visit the high-S’s concern for stability and the people affected by a decision. The high-S may need to visit the high-D’s willingness to confront an issue and take necessary action.

We are not trying to exchange personalities. We are learning to benefit from perspectives we do not naturally possess.

Four Personalities, Four Valuable Contributions

Imagine that Michael and Susan’s conversation had included two additional people: Daniel, whose primary behavioral tendency is Dominance, and Sarah, whose primary tendency is Steadiness. Each might have heard something different.

Michael, the high-I, might ask, “What could this become?” Susan, the high-C, might ask, “What do we need to verify?” Daniel, the high-D, might ask, “What decision needs to be made?” Sarah, the high-S, might ask, “How will this affect the people involved?”

All four questions are valuable. All four can become troublesome when pursued without sufficient regard for the others. Enthusiasm without evaluation can lead to costly mistakes. Evaluation without openness to possibilities can prevent worthwhile progress. Decisiveness without consideration can damage people. Stability without willingness to change can preserve problems that should be addressed.

The high-D may recognize that action is needed long before everyone else is ready to move. That can be an enormous advantage when an organization is stalled. Yet the D may need the I to communicate the vision and inspire participation, the S to consider how the decision affects people, and the C to examine the assumptions behind the chosen course. Decisiveness becomes more effective when informed by those additional perspectives.

The high-I may recognize opportunities and possibilities that others have not imagined. Enthusiasm can generate momentum, encourage participation, and help people see a future worth pursuing. Yet the I may need the D to turn excitement into decisions, the S to provide patient follow-through and relational stability, and the C to examine whether the opportunity is as sound as it initially appears.

The high-S may recognize relational strain, instability, or the practical burden a decision will place on people. That sensitivity can protect relationships and help an organization remain dependable. Yet the S may need the D to confront necessary decisions, the I to introduce possibilities beyond familiar routines, and the C to distinguish genuine risks from discomfort with change.

The high-C may identify weaknesses in a proposal before those weaknesses become expensive mistakes. Careful analysis can protect quality, accuracy, and responsible stewardship. Yet the C may need the D to recognize when enough information is available to act, the I to appreciate opportunities that cannot yet be fully quantified, and the S to consider how analysis and correction affect the people involved.

None of these contributions guarantees a good decision. The objective is not to assemble four personalities and assume wisdom will follow. It is to develop the humility and discipline necessary to receive valuable contributions from people who approach reality differently.

When Someone’s Strength Feels Like an Attack

Neither Michael nor Susan was merely processing information. Both were experiencing an emotional response. Michael was excited and wanted Susan to recognize the possibility he had discovered. Her questions felt like discouragement. Susan was concerned and wanted Michael to recognize the risks that needed attention. His resistance felt like carelessness.

Both began responding not only to what the other person was saying, but also to what they believed the other person’s behavior meant. Michael interpreted Susan’s questions as opposition. Susan interpreted Michael’s enthusiasm as insufficient responsibility. Those interpretations may have been inaccurate.

We must learn to separate three things: what someone actually said, what we believe they meant, and how their words made us feel. Those are related, but they are not identical.

A question about cost is not necessarily a rejection of an idea. Enthusiasm about an opportunity is not necessarily indifference to risk. A desire to move quickly is not necessarily recklessness. A preference for stability is not necessarily resistance to necessary change.

When we confuse these things, we may begin defending ourselves against an attack that was never intended. That does not mean tone, timing, and delivery are unimportant. They matter greatly. We are responsible not only for the substance of our contribution but also for the way we communicate it.

Having something valuable to contribute does not guarantee that we have contributed it wisely.

When Your Strength Takes the Joy Out of Mine

One of the more subtle difficulties between high-I and high-C personalities is that they may experience the same relationship very differently.

For the high-I, enthusiasm, laughter, spontaneity, and shared enjoyment can be tremendously energizing. The I may be enjoying the possibility long before anyone has determined whether it is practical. Imagining what could happen, sharing the excitement with others, and building enthusiasm together may be part of what makes life enjoyable.

The high-C may be having a very different experience. As the I speaks, the C’s attention may naturally turn toward questions that need answers, responsibilities that must be considered, and problems that should be prevented. Identifying a weakness before it becomes a costly mistake may actually be satisfying.

The high-C may be perfectly content. Responsibilities are being fulfilled, problems are being addressed, and the work is getting done. Meanwhile, the high-I may be wondering when they are finally going to have some fun together.

Even recreational activities can become task-oriented. A weekend getaway becomes an itinerary. A hobby becomes a project. A casual conversation becomes an examination of something that needs improvement. The high-C may be thoroughly enjoying the experience, while the high-I feels as though the workday never ended.

The difficulty is not necessarily that the C lacks enjoyment. It is that the C’s enjoyment may not translate into an enjoyable shared experience for the I.

The reverse deserves equal consideration. The high-I’s spontaneity, constant conversation, and desire for stimulation may exhaust the C, who might genuinely enjoy a quiet evening completing a project or simply having time without additional demands. Neither person should assume that the other experiences enjoyment in the same way.

Consider the old marriage joke:

“Honey, you never tell me you love me.”

“I told you I loved you when we got married. If that changes, I’ll let you know.”

We laugh because we recognize the disconnect. One person is saying, “I need to hear that I am loved.” The other is effectively saying, “I have already established that fact.”

But relationships are not sustained merely by the accuracy of information. They require ongoing expressions of care, attention, and affection. A person can be faithful, responsible, hardworking, and genuinely loving while failing to recognize that someone close to them is missing the enjoyment of simply being together. And a person who longs for more fun and affection must learn to recognize the genuine love that may be expressed through steady service and responsibility.

What satisfies me is not necessarily what nourishes you.

This matters in marriage, but it also matters in friendships, churches, and workplaces. The high-I may feel discouraged when every conversation becomes an evaluation, every possibility becomes a problem to solve, and every moment of enthusiasm is met with another task requiring attention. The high-C may feel equally misunderstood when careful work and responsible service go unnoticed because they do not arrive with the emotional expression the I naturally values.

The question is not simply, “Am I enjoying this relationship?” It is also, “Is the person I care about experiencing this relationship as encouraging, meaningful, and enjoyable?”

When Two People Stop Trying

There is a danger in these differences that may take years to become visible.

At first, Michael continues bringing his ideas to Susan. He is enthusiastic, hopeful, and eager to share what he sees. Susan continues responding with questions, qualifications, and concerns. Both believe they are contributing something valuable, but neither understands why the other seems increasingly frustrated.

Eventually, Michael begins to anticipate Susan’s response before he even speaks. He may rehearse his explanation, gather additional information, or attempt to answer objections before they are raised. But after enough discouraging conversations, he may begin to wonder whether sharing the idea is worth the effort.

Susan may be experiencing something similar. She has tried repeatedly to explain the importance of careful evaluation, but Michael seems impatient with her concerns. She may begin to conclude that he simply does not value accuracy or responsible planning.

The conversations become shorter. The enthusiasm diminishes. The willingness to engage begins to disappear. Eventually, both may stop trying.

Michael stops bringing Susan his ideas. Susan stops offering Michael her careful observations. Neither has necessarily changed an opinion about the other, but both have learned that their interactions are likely to produce frustration.

From the outside, the relationship may appear to have improved. There are fewer disagreements, fewer difficult conversations, and less visible tension. But the relationship has not necessarily become healthier.

The conflict may have disappeared because the relationship has disappeared.

In marriage, the couple may continue living together, fulfilling responsibilities, and maintaining the outward routines of family life. Yet one or both may feel increasingly lonely, discouraged, or emotionally disconnected.

In the workplace, the deterioration can be even less visible. There may be no personal commitment encouraging the two colleagues to persevere through their differences. They may simply begin avoiding one another. The I finds someone else to brainstorm with. The C finds someone else who appreciates careful analysis. Decisions that once might have benefited from both perspectives are now made without one of them.

Sometimes a third person is asked to settle disagreements that the two colleagues no longer believe they can resolve together. Independent counsel can be wise, but when it becomes a substitute for listening to one another, the underlying relationship remains unrepaired.

The organization may continue functioning. Tasks are completed, meetings occur, and reports are submitted. Yet something valuable has been lost. The I’s enthusiasm no longer reaches the C. The C’s careful thinking no longer reaches the I. The organization loses the benefit of two different strengths working together.

A quiet workplace is not necessarily a healthy workplace. Sometimes it is simply a workplace where people have learned that speaking is not worth the cost.

This pattern is not inevitable, nor is it exclusive to I/C relationships. Any combination of personalities can experience relational withdrawal when differences are repeatedly misunderstood or devalued. Yet the contrast between the I’s desire for enthusiasm and the C’s desire for careful evaluation can make the disconnect particularly noticeable.

The more strongly someone identifies with a natural behavioral tendency, the more personally frustrating repeated rejection of that tendency may feel. We should not assume that DISC scores predict the degree of discouragement, but we should recognize the relational danger when someone’s ordinary way of contributing is repeatedly unwelcome.

For some, discouragement becomes resignation. For others, it becomes withdrawal, resentment, or a search for relationships in which they feel understood. Persistent relational distress may also contribute to broader emotional difficulties, although personality style alone does not determine those outcomes.

Perhaps the most troubling possibility is that the person whose behavior contributed to the discouragement may not recognize what has happened. The I has stopped sharing ideas, so the C experiences fewer frustrating conversations. The C has stopped offering corrections, so the I experiences fewer discouraging responses. Both may mistake the reduction in conflict for improvement.

Yet the relationship has become less capable of providing what either person needs.

What looks like acceptance may actually be resignation.

That is why learning to understand and embrace another person’s strengths is not merely a matter of courtesy. It can be essential to preserving the trust, candor, and willingness to contribute upon which healthy relationships and effective organizations depend.

Why Different Perspectives Can Make Us Better

Social psychologist Charlan Jeanne Nemeth and her colleagues studied how exposure to opposing viewpoints can affect problem-solving. Their research found that dissenting minority viewpoints could stimulate broader thinking and improve participants’ ability to discover correct solutions.¹ The significance is not that the dissenting person is necessarily right. It is that disagreement can cause people to examine possibilities they might otherwise neglect.

Organizational researchers Daan van Knippenberg, Carsten De Dreu, and Astrid Homan developed a model explaining how differences within work groups can affect performance. Their analysis emphasizes that different perspectives are not automatically beneficial. Their potential value depends partly on whether people exchange, examine, and integrate the information those differences provide.²

Neither study establishes that particular DISC combinations produce better decisions. Both, however, illuminate the importance of thoughtfully considering perspectives that differ from our own.

Having different personalities does not automatically make us better together. Learning to receive and wisely use those differences can.

Learning to RECEIVE What Does Not Come Naturally

Appreciating personality differences is a good beginning, but appreciation alone is insufficient. If I depend entirely upon my natural reactions, I will frequently respond according to my preferred behavioral tendencies. That is precisely why I need a deliberate system.

I suggest seven practices, remembered through the word RECEIVE, to help us make room for contributions that do not come naturally to us.

Recognize the contribution. Before interpreting someone’s response as resistance, consider what their natural strengths may be bringing to the conversation. Are they identifying risks, recognizing possibilities, urging necessary action, or protecting people from unintended consequences? Recognizing a potential contribution does not mean assuming it is correct. It means giving it a fair hearing.

Examine what you may not naturally see. Ask yourself, What might this person recognize that I have overlooked—or that I would be unlikely to notice without help? The discomfort may indicate a genuine difference in perspective rather than a deficiency in either person.

Clarify before reacting. Instead of responding immediately to frustration, ask what the other person intends. “Are you suggesting that we abandon the idea, or are you identifying something we need to resolve before proceeding?” That question might have changed Michael and Susan’s entire conversation.

Evaluate the substance. Not every observation is correct, and not every concern deserves equal weight. Examine the evidence, circumstances, consequences, and actual objective. Receiving another person’s perspective does not require surrendering your judgment.

Integrate what is valuable. Once you recognize a legitimate contribution, determine how it should affect your thinking or behavior. Perhaps the plan needs another safeguard, a decision should be made sooner, someone needs time to adjust, or an opportunity deserves further exploration.

Verify understanding. Before moving forward, confirm that you have accurately understood the other person’s concern and that they understand your response. “I hear your concern about the cost. We will investigate that before committing resources, but I do not want us to lose sight of the opportunity.”

Establish a repeatable habit. Do not wait until the next disagreement. Invite people with different strengths to examine significant plans. Give them permission to ask difficult questions. Make room for enthusiasm, caution, decisive action, and concern for people.

These practices are not intended to become a cumbersome checklist for every conversation. With repetition, they can become a familiar way of approaching differences. The goal is not to suppress our personalities but to develop habits that help us use them more wisely.

Applied knowledge repeated consistently becomes transformation.

The Responsibility Goes Both Ways

Thus far, we have concentrated on receiving another person’s strengths. But the person offering those strengths also has a responsibility.

Susan’s questions may have been excellent, but her timing could have been better. Imagine if she had said, “Michael, I can see why you are excited about this. There may be a real opportunity here. Before we commit resources, I have a few questions that could help us make the idea stronger. Would you like to explore those now, or are we still brainstorming?”

Michael might have welcomed the questions.

Now imagine Michael responding differently. “Susan, I know you are good at identifying things I might miss, and I am going to need that. Right now, I am trying to determine whether this idea has enough potential to investigate. Can we explore the possibilities first and then have you help me evaluate the risks?”

Susan might have felt respected rather than dismissed.

Neither person needed to abandon a natural strength. Both needed to consider how their contribution could best serve the other.

A high-D can be decisive without becoming domineering. A high-I can be enthusiastic without dismissing legitimate concerns. A high-S can preserve relationships without avoiding necessary confrontation. A high-C can pursue accuracy without making others feel that every idea must survive an interrogation before it deserves consideration.

There is a question each person should learn to ask: Am I expecting this person to experience life the way I do, or am I willing to understand what life feels like to them?

Sometimes the high-C needs to put down the clipboard and enjoy the afternoon. Sometimes the high-I needs to pick up the clipboard and help get the work done. Neither act requires a change of personality. Both require a willingness to consider the needs of someone else.

Sometimes You Just Need More Drums in Your Life

Many years ago, when I was serving as a worship leader, an older couple in our church taught me a lesson I have never forgotten.

I will call them Paul and Binkie. They were wonderful people, and Binkie played the organ and piano for our worship ministry. They also happened to sit directly in front of the drums.

And they did not like drums.

I knew that. As the worship leader, I was quite aware of their preferences, and I appreciated their faithfulness and participation.

Our church met in a relatively small building, and controlling the volume of acoustic drums was a challenge. Eventually, we decided that electronic drums would be a better choice. They would allow us to manage the sound more effectively while continuing to develop our music ministry.

There was one problem. We needed someone to fund the purchase.

To my considerable surprise, Paul and Binkie offered to pay for the new drum set.

I could hardly believe it. I asked Binkie why they would want to pay for something they did not even like.

Her answer has stayed with me for years.

“Sometimes you just need more drums in your life.”

What a remarkable perspective.

Binkie understood that the musical preferences of younger people were different from hers. She recognized that the church wanted to reach younger generations, welcome them, and help them become part of the congregation. She also understood that the style of music she had enjoyed for so many years was changing.

She did not necessarily enjoy that change, but she recognized that her preferences were not the only considerations that mattered. She did not have to love drums to recognize that drums could serve a worthwhile purpose.

More importantly, she and Paul were willing to invest their own money in something they did not particularly enjoy because they understood how it might benefit others.

They did more than tolerate a difference. They embraced something valuable that was outside their personal preferences.

That is an extraordinary expression of humility, generosity, and love.

Binkie’s wisdom was not that every change should be embraced or that personal preferences are unimportant. Rather, she understood that a preference should not become the final measure of what is good. She was willing to consider what others needed, even when those needs led to something she would not have chosen for herself.

Over the years, I have applied Binkie’s lesson to many situations. Sometimes I need more patience in my life. Sometimes I need more careful evaluation, more enthusiasm, more decisive action, or more concern for the people affected by a decision.

Sometimes I need to listen to someone whose approach initially frustrates me.

Sometimes I need more drums in my life.

The Biblical Principle: We Need One Another

In 1 Corinthians 12, the apostle Paul explains the interdependence of the members of Christ’s body. “The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I do not need you.’ Nor can the head say to the feet, ‘I do not need you.'” (1 Corinthians 12:21, BSB)

Paul is teaching about the body of Christ, not describing DISC personalities. We should not confuse behavioral tendencies with spiritual gifts or suggest that the passage was written to explain personality differences. Nevertheless, the underlying principle of interdependence is directly relevant.

God has not designed His people to function as though each individual possesses everything necessary for faithful service. We need one another.

Proverbs reminds us that plans fail for lack of counsel but succeed with many advisers (Proverbs 15:22). The same book warns that answering before listening is folly and shame (Proverbs 18:13). James instructs believers to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19). Philippians 2:3–4 calls believers to humility and concern for the interests of others.

These passages do not merely encourage pleasant conversation. They confront the pride that can cause us to dismiss another person’s contribution because it arrives in a form we do not naturally appreciate.

Binkie’s decision provides a practical illustration of that kind of consideration. She recognized that the preferences of others deserved attention, even when they differed from her own.

Yet we must not confuse humility with indiscriminate agreement. A person’s behavioral tendencies may help explain why they approach a conversation in a particular way. They do not excuse contempt, harshness, impatience, pride, manipulation, or refusal to consider legitimate correction.

Explanation is not exoneration.

Nor does embracing another person’s strengths mean accepting everything that person says or does. We must still exercise discernment, evaluate truth, and address sinful conduct when necessary. Humility does not require abandoning judgment. It requires recognizing that our judgment may benefit from what another person sees.

From Tolerating to Embracing

There is a substantial difference between enduring someone’s personality and learning to benefit from it.

Tolerance says, “I suppose I have to put up with the way you think.”

Appreciation says, “I understand that you think differently from me.”

Embracing says, “I recognize that your different perspective may help me, and I am willing to make room for it.”

Binkie demonstrated that final step. She did not simply accept the presence of drums. She helped make their presence possible.

Imagine what might happen in our marriages, churches, friendships, and organizations if we began approaching personality differences with that same attitude.

A husband who naturally wants to act quickly might deliberately invite his wife’s careful evaluation before making a significant financial decision. A wife who naturally prefers stability might consider whether her husband’s desire for change reflects a genuine opportunity rather than unnecessary disruption.

A pastor who naturally sees the possibilities of growth might invite someone who recognizes the strain that growth could place on staff and volunteers. A leader who focuses on organizational stability might welcome someone who can identify opportunities that require thoughtful change.

A business owner who moves quickly might ask a detail-oriented colleague to review the assumptions behind a new venture. The colleague, in turn, might distinguish between risks that genuinely threaten the venture and uncertainties that cannot be eliminated in advance.

In each situation, the objective is not to determine which personality wins. It is to make a wiser decision by receiving what each person can contribute.

What We Do with Our Differences

I do not want this article to persuade people merely to be nicer to those whose personalities differ from theirs. I want us to develop a different way of thinking.

Our natural behavioral tendencies are useful, but they are not sufficient for every situation. Each personality brings strengths that can serve others and limitations that require wisdom, humility, and deliberate attention.

Maturity involves recognizing those limitations without treating them as permanent excuses for poor behavior. It also involves recognizing that someone else’s natural strengths may provide precisely the contribution we need.

We do not have to become that person. We do not have to live in that personality. We simply need to learn when and how to visit, listen carefully, receive what is valuable, and carry that understanding back into our own thinking and behavior.

Michael needs Susan’s careful evaluation. Susan needs Michael’s ability to recognize possibilities. Both may benefit from Daniel’s decisiveness and Sarah’s concern for people and stability. Each must learn to offer those strengths with wisdom and humility.

The ultimate goal is not to prove that our personality is right. It is to become people who can recognize and embrace what is right, even when it comes from someone very different from us.

Sometimes, as Binkie taught me so many years ago, you just need more drums in your life.

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Summary

Personality differences can provide valuable perspectives, but they can also produce frustration, discouragement, and relational withdrawal when people repeatedly misunderstand one another. The DISC model helps us recognize differing behavioral tendencies, but understanding those differences is only the beginning. We must learn to receive what others see, communicate our own strengths wisely, and protect the relationships through which those contributions become available. The goal is not to become someone else, but to develop the humility and discipline to embrace what another person can offer. Difference is not deficiency, and genuine appreciation requires more than tolerance.

Five Coaching Questions

1. Whose natural behavioral tendencies frustrate you most, and what valuable contribution might that person be offering that you have difficulty recognizing?
2. When someone challenges your ideas or preferred approach, how do you distinguish between what the person actually said, what you believe they meant, and how their words made you feel?
3. Have you experienced a relationship in which repeated misunderstandings caused one or both people to stop trying? What might have changed if those differences had been recognized and addressed earlier?
4. Which of the seven RECEIVE practices would most improve your ability to work with people whose behavioral tendencies differ from yours? What specific habit could you establish this week?
5. What would it look like for you to embrace something valuable that you do not naturally enjoy or prefer? Where might God be calling you to make room for someone else’s strengths?

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Endnotes

1. Nemeth, Charlan Jeanne, et al. “Minority Influence, Divergent Thinking and Detection of Correct Solutions.” Journal of Applied Social Psychology (1987). Research examining how dissenting viewpoints can stimulate divergent thinking and problem-solving. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1559-1816.1987.tb00339.x
2. van Knippenberg, Daan, Carsten K. W. De Dreu, and Astrid C. Homan. “Work Group Diversity and Group Performance: An Integrative Model and Research Agenda.” Journal of Applied Psychology 89, no. 6 (2004): 1008–1022. Theoretical model explaining the potential benefits of information elaboration and the challenges of social categorization in diverse work groups. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-9010.89.6.1008

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