Mistaking Personality Differences for Character Defects

Listen to this article (BETA)

Preparing the reader…

Your progress: Not started

Mark Complete Start Over Reset History

▶ Listen

Several years ago, I watched two people struggle through a conversation that should have been relatively simple. One was fast, direct, decisive, and ready to act. The other was careful, analytical, and wanted more information before committing. The first person became impatient and concluded that the second was fearful and unwilling to lead. The second person became frustrated and concluded that the first was reckless, arrogant, and unwilling to listen.

By the end of the conversation, neither was discussing the decision anymore. They were judging each other’s character.

One saw cowardice. The other saw pride. Yet neither person necessarily possessed the character defect being assigned to him. One naturally moved quickly; the other naturally moved carefully. They did not simply have two opinions about the decision. They had two different ways of approaching decisions.

This happens everywhere. It happens in marriages, families, churches, businesses, friendships, boards, ministry teams, and conversations between people who sincerely love one another. We encounter someone who processes life differently from us, and instead of recognizing a personality difference, we make a moral judgment.

The decisive person sees the cautious person as fearful. The cautious person sees the decisive person as irresponsible. The expressive person sees the quiet person as uncaring. The quiet person sees the expressive person as attention-seeking. The highly organized person sees the spontaneous person as undisciplined. The spontaneous person sees the organized person as controlling.

Sometimes those conclusions are correct. People really can be fearful, irresponsible, uncaring, attention-seeking, undisciplined, or controlling. But sometimes what we are observing is not a defect of character. It is simply a difference in personality.

Learning to distinguish between those two things is an important part of loving people wisely.

Personality describes how we naturally tend to approach life. Character reveals what governs us while we do it.

A person can be naturally direct and still be loving. Another can be naturally gentle and still be dishonest. One person can speak confidently while being humble; another can speak softly while quietly manipulating the entire room. A person can take time to make a decision because he is wise—or because he is afraid. Someone else can make the decision quickly because she is courageous—or because she is impulsive.

The behavior may look similar. The heart beneath it may be very different.

That is why Scripture continually calls us to look beyond appearances. When Samuel was sent to anoint one of Jesse’s sons, he was impressed by Eliab’s appearance and stature. But the Lord told him:

“Do not consider his appearance or height, for I have rejected him; the LORD does not see as man does. For man sees the outward appearance, but the LORD sees the heart.”
(1 Samuel 16:7)

We cannot see the heart as God sees it. That alone should make us slower and humbler when assigning motives or judging another person’s character.

We tend to moralize our own preferences

Most of us have a very predictable standard for evaluating people: ourselves.

We rarely say it that plainly, but we often assume that our way of processing information, expressing emotion, resolving conflict, making decisions, or organizing life is the sensible way. People who function similarly to us seem mature, trustworthy, intelligent, and easy to understand. People who function differently can seem difficult, deficient, or even dangerous.

We do not simply prefer our way. We begin to moralize it.

If I speak quickly and openly, I may call myself honest while describing a quieter person as secretive. If I am careful and reserved, I may call myself discerning while describing an expressive person as superficial. If I move rapidly, I may call myself courageous while calling slower people fearful. If I prefer stability, I may call myself faithful while describing someone who embraces change as restless or discontented.

Our own personality nearly always looks noble when viewed from the inside. Yet our personality is not the standard of righteousness. Christ is.

Paul warned the Corinthians about people who measured themselves by themselves and compared themselves with themselves. His conclusion was direct: “They are not wise” (2 Corinthians 10:12). When I use myself as the measuring stick, I will almost inevitably exaggerate my strengths, minimize my weaknesses, and misunderstand people who are unlike me.

Personality differences are not unfortunate flaws in God’s design. God did not create everyone differently and then quietly wish they were more like us. The body of Christ requires difference. Paul uses the human body to describe this beautiful interdependence:

“For the body does not consist of one part, but of many.”
(1 Corinthians 12:14)

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I do not need you,” and the head cannot dismiss the feet. Each part contributes something the others cannot supply alone. Uniformity would not make the body healthier. It would make the body impossible.

In the same way, a leadership team filled entirely with fast decision-makers may move boldly—and repeatedly miss important facts. A team composed exclusively of careful analysts may avoid many mistakes—and never move at all. A group of enthusiastic visionaries may generate extraordinary ideas but struggle to complete them. A group of faithful maintainers may preserve everything entrusted to them but resist a necessary change.

We need one another, including the people whose differences occasionally irritate us.

Personality is not character

Character is the key and number-one value a leader must possess to lead well. Talent may give someone a platform. Personality may attract followers. Intelligence may solve complicated problems. Experience may produce confidence. Communication skill may persuade people to move. But without character, each of those strengths can become dangerous.

Character determines what a person will do with talent, influence, knowledge, authority, opportunity, and trust.

This is why the qualifications for elders in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 focus overwhelmingly on character. An overseer must be temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, gentle, and above reproach. He must not be violent, quarrelsome, arrogant, quick-tempered, or greedy. Paul does include the ability to teach, but the list is not primarily a catalogue of charisma, vision, strategic intelligence, or organizational success. God is concerned with the kind of person who will carry the responsibility.

Character matters enormously. That is precisely why we must not confuse it with personality. When we label a personality difference as a character defect, we can injure an innocent person. But there is another side to the danger: we can also mistake an appealing personality trait for good character.

Confidence is not necessarily courage. Warmth is not necessarily love. Quietness is not necessarily humility. Caution is not necessarily wisdom. Agreeableness is not necessarily kindness. Decisiveness is not necessarily strength. Eloquence is not necessarily truthfulness. Charisma is certainly not character.

Some personalities make their strengths highly visible. Other personalities make their weaknesses easier to conceal. The highly expressive person’s failures may arrive before him, while the restrained person’s failures follow quietly behind. Paul observed that some people’s sins are obvious, while others surface later (1 Timothy 5:24). Neither visibility nor invisibility tells us how mature a person is.

A charming leader may be deeply self-seeking. A stern leader may be remarkably tenderhearted. A quiet leader may be humble—or quietly proud. A forceful leader may be courageous—or may simply enjoy power. A highly relational leader may genuinely love people—or may need their approval.

Personality tells us how the person tends to behave. Character tells us why, toward what end, and under whose authority.

As I often tell people, personality doesn’t change. Character does. Our personality may mature, soften, and become better governed, but we remain recognizably ourselves. The gospel does not erase the personality God has given us. The Holy Spirit progressively redeems how we use it.

The decisive person does not need to become indecisive. He needs to become patient, humble, and loving in his decisiveness. The cautious person does not need to become careless. She needs to ensure that wisdom has not become fear or endless delay. The expressive person does not need to become silent. He needs to speak truthfully and listen faithfully. The quiet person does not need to become loud. She needs to make sure her restraint is not withdrawal, avoidance, or concealed resentment.

Every personality possesses strengths that can serve others and tendencies that must be brought under the lordship of Christ.

The damage caused by getting this wrong

When we mistake personality differences for character defects, the damage travels in several directions. We can damage another person’s understanding of himself. A child repeatedly described as “too quiet” may grow up believing thoughtful reserve is a deficiency. A naturally energetic child may be told so often that he is “too much” that he concludes his presence is a burden. A careful employee may be treated as an obstruction when she is actually protecting the organization from an avoidable mistake. A visionary may be dismissed as unrealistic when he is seeing possibilities others cannot yet see.

We can damage relationships by turning ordinary differences into moral accusations. Once I decide that your slowness is laziness, your questions are disrespect, or your directness is cruelty, I no longer approach you with curiosity. I approach you with a verdict.

James instructs us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19). That posture leaves room for understanding. It allows us to ask, “Help me understand what is happening here,” before declaring, “I know exactly what is wrong with you.”

We can also damage ourselves. If I continually interpret difference as deficiency, I will surround myself with people who affirm my natural preferences. I will become increasingly comfortable and increasingly unbalanced. My blind spots will grow because I have dismissed the very people who might have helped me see them.

This is especially dangerous in leadership.

Leaders possess enough authority to turn their personal preferences into institutional values. A fast-moving leader can create a culture in which caution is treated as disloyalty. A highly detailed leader can create a culture in which creativity is quietly suffocated. An outgoing pastor can assume that visible enthusiasm is spiritual engagement. A reserved leader can distrust anyone whose excitement is more obvious than his own.

Before long, people are not being evaluated by faithfulness, maturity, contribution, and character. They are being evaluated by how comfortable they make the leader feel.

That is not leadership. It is self-replication.

Faithful leadership does not ask, “How can I make everyone more like me?” It asks, “How can I help each person become more like Christ while faithfully stewarding the personality, abilities, and calling God has entrusted to him?”

We still have to confront character

Understanding personality does not mean excusing sin. “That is just how I am” is not a Christian defense.

Directness does not excuse cruelty. Carefulness does not excuse paralysis. Enthusiasm does not excuse irresponsibility. Steadiness does not excuse stubbornness. A natural tendency may help explain behavior, but it does not remove responsibility for it.

Every temperament must bow before Christ.

Paul writes:

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are members of one another.”
(Ephesians 4:25)

He does not instruct expressive people to tell the truth while allowing reserved people to conceal it. He does not permit forceful people to remain angry or peaceful people to avoid reconciliation. The commands of Christ apply to every personality, although each of us may struggle with them differently.

The question is not whether behavior is natural to us. The question is whether it is righteous, loving, truthful, and obedient to Christ.

This gives us a better way to approach one another. Instead of judging the personality, we examine the fruit. Is this person’s decisiveness producing clarity and movement, or fear and injury? Is this person’s caution producing wisdom, or chronic obstruction? Is this person’s warmth producing belonging, or dependence upon approval? Is this person’s steadiness producing faithfulness, or resistance to everything unfamiliar?

Jesus said, “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:20). Fruit takes time to observe. It requires more than reacting to a single behavior we dislike.

Learning to see people more clearly

The next time someone’s behavior frustrates you, pause before assigning a character defect. Ask yourself a few honest questions.

Is this behavior sinful, or is it simply different from what I prefer? Have I observed a consistent pattern, or am I reacting to one moment? Do I understand the person’s intention, or have I supplied one? Would I judge this behavior as harshly if it came from someone whose personality resembles mine? Is this person’s difference exposing a blind spot in me?

Then ask the other person questions. Listen without preparing a rebuttal. Learn how he processes information, handles pressure, experiences conflict, and reaches decisions. Understanding does not require agreement, but it makes fair judgment possible.

Most importantly, examine your own heart. Jesus’ warning about removing the plank from our own eye before addressing the speck in another’s remains painfully relevant (Matthew 7:3–5). Sometimes the trait we condemn most quickly in someone else is simply the trait that makes it difficult for us to control the relationship.

We need the humility to say, “This may not be wrong. It may simply be unlike me.”

God has not called us to eliminate personality differences. He has called us to love one another, bear with one another, speak truth to one another, and help one another become more like Christ.

Character remains essential. It is the foundation upon which trustworthy leadership is built. But good character is not revealed by how closely someone resembles us. It is revealed by truthfulness, humility, courage, faithfulness, self-control, repentance, love, and obedience to Christ.

Different does not necessarily mean deficient.

Sometimes the person who frustrates us is sinning and needs loving correction. Sometimes we are the ones sinning in how quickly and confidently we judge. And sometimes neither person is doing anything wrong. We are simply seeing two intentionally different people learning how to live, work, worship, and lead together.

That difference may not be the problem at all.

It may be one of God’s provisions for our growth.