Which Is More Important—Speaking the Truth or Speaking in Love?

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That’s an easy one, right?

God is a God of truth (Isaiah 65:16; Titus 1:2), and He calls us to speak the truth. We are not supposed to shade it, manipulate it, change it to make ourselves or someone else feel better, or conveniently leave out the parts we don’t particularly like. Truth matters because God is true. And… God is also a God of love. Scripture doesn’t merely tell us that God loves; it tells us that God is love (1 John 4:8). So we are commanded to love God, love our neighbors, love our brothers and sisters, love our enemies, and even do good to those who hate us. Truth matters. Love matters. So which one is more important?

Those of us who are more Task Oriented in personality may have a tendency to say, “Well, if I have to choose between the two, truth has to come first. We have to speak the truth!” Those who are more People Oriented may lean the other direction: “If I have to choose, we need to speak in love. People matter!” Interestingly, neither group usually says the other part doesn’t matter. We simply tend to emphasize the part that comes most naturally to us. Truth. Love. Truth. Love. And our personality can make our preferred side seem so obvious that we don’t realize we have quietly divided something God never divided.

So Which One Is It?

Is this a trick question?

Nope.

The problem is not that we don’t have the answer. The problem is that we sometimes act as though God gave us a choice. He didn’t. His desire is that we do both—speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). The whole thing. The WHAT and the HOW. We can get the WHAT exactly right and still fail miserably at the HOW. And frankly, I think we get the WHAT right a good deal more often than we get the HOW right.

There is a ditch on both sides of this road. Refusing to speak truth because we don’t want to upset someone is not loving. If someone is walking toward destruction and I know it, smiling and saying nothing may make me pleasant, but it doesn’t necessarily make me loving. On the other hand, speaking something true with arrogance, contempt, cruelty, or a complete disregard for the person standing in front of me doesn’t become righteous simply because the information coming out of my mouth happens to be correct. We can speak love without truth, and we can speak truth without love. Both miss the command. Life is so often a Both/And, and we reductionists keep trying to make it an Either/Or.

We Aren’t Nearly as Omniscient as We Think We Are

There are probably only one or two things I do better than everyone I know. Maybe three. Of a hundred friends and acquaintances, I am probably the best jazz saxophonist, I may have studied personality and human behavior more than any of them, and I make the best hot sauce on the planet.

Now, in truth, I don’t actually know the full depth of all those people. There might be a closet jazz saxophonist among my friends who is a monster player and would blow me away. Somebody may secretly have a doctorate in human behavior and just hasn’t gotten around to mentioning it. So it may turn out that there is only one thing left.

The hot sauce.

And I’m pretty confident about that one. Ninety-three percent of the people who try it buy it.

But I digress…

The point is that there are simply things we think we know that we don’t. You too, Beloved. We are not omniscient. In fact, the brightest among us are severely limited in almost everything except a relatively small number of things we have spent our lives learning. Paul tells us to have a sane estimate of ourselves—to think with sober judgment rather than thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought (Romans 12:3). That requires humility. It requires us to search things out, to be Berean, to listen, to ask questions, and to leave room for the possibility that there are pieces of reality we haven’t seen yet.

You can be right and arrogant at the same time. That’s important because we sometimes act as though being right about the subject somehow sanctifies everything else happening in the conversation. It doesn’t. You can win on the facts and lose on arrogance. You can prove your theological point and be unkind while doing it. You can dismantle another person’s argument and sin against the person whose argument you just dismantled.

First Corinthians 13 is rather brutal about this. Paul says I can speak with extraordinary gifts, understand mysteries, possess knowledge, and have faith capable of moving mountains—and if I don’t have love, I am nothing.

Nothing.

Nada. Zip. Zilch.

That’s an incredible statement. Don’t rush past it. You can be astonishingly gifted, deeply knowledgeable, theologically precise, and completely right about the issue being discussed—and God can still be working on you.

You Don’t Know Their Motives

One of the places this goes wrong very quickly is when we move from evaluating what someone said or did to declaring why they said or did it. We can evaluate actions. We should. We can evaluate behavior. We should. We can test ideas against Scripture. We should. There are times when we need to identify sin as sin, error as error, and foolishness as foolishness.

But motives?

Be careful.

God knows motives. You don’t. Neither do I. Unless the other person tells us.

Yet spend five minutes reading an argument on social media and watch how quickly we become mind readers. I know why you’re saying this. You’re just trying to… You only believe that because… Your real motive is… Really? How do you know that? You might suspect it. You might even be right. But you might also be spectacularly wrong.

Paul tells us not to judge prematurely because the Lord will bring to light what is hidden and reveal the motives of the heart (1 Corinthians 4:5). Solomon says essentially the same thing in his prayer: God alone knows the hearts of all people (1 Kings 8:39). God alone. That leaves you and me out. Humility leaves room for what we don’t know, and love refuses to condemn another person on information we don’t possess.

What Does the World See When We Argue?

Social media is rife with vitriol, frustration, anger, sarcasm, and contempt—and I’m not talking about trolls or people whose only purpose is to stir up trouble. I’m talking about generally well-meaning Christians who believe they are defending something important. Sometimes they are defending something important.

That’s what makes this so tragic.

We have an incredible opportunity to show the world something different. Imagine people watching Christians profoundly disagree about important things while still treating one another with honor, kindness, patience, and respect. Imagine someone reading a difficult theological discussion and thinking, These people obviously disagree, but they genuinely seem to care about each other.

Instead, sometimes you cannot separate the Christians from everyone else except by the Bible verses being used as ammunition.

Paul warned the Galatians about “biting and devouring one another” (Galatians 5:15). What an extraordinary description of some of our public discourse. We challenge motives. We assign labels. We take the least charitable interpretation possible. We say things through a screen we would never say sitting across the table from someone over a cup of coffee. Then we hit Post and walk away feeling rather pleased that we defended the truth.

But what does the world see?

Jesus said they would know we are His disciples by our love for one another (John 13:35). Not by our ability to win an argument. Not by how quickly we can produce the devastating response. Not by how many Likes our takedown gets. By our love.

That doesn’t mean truth disappears. It means truth should look different in the hands of someone who belongs to Christ.

Don’t Hear What I Am Not Saying

Truth is paramount.

I am NOT saying we should compromise truth. May it never be! There are times when truth must be spoken plainly. There is sin that must be confronted, error that must be corrected, danger that must be identified, and foolishness that must be challenged. There are moments when remaining silent is not loving at all.

But we have to stop sacrificing one another on the altar of obeying half the Scripture.

If we are not speaking in love, are we not disobeying the very Scripture we claim to be defending? Because the truth is that God tells us to speak it in love. Why would we think the command stops after the first half of the sentence?

Even when someone is caught in sin, Paul tells those who are spiritual to restore that person in a spirit of gentleness, while keeping watch over themselves lest they too be tempted (Galatians 6:1). There is the truth—we caught the sin. There is the action—we restore. There is the HOW—gentleness. And there is the self-awareness—we keep watch over ourselves.

God apparently cares about all four.

And look at the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and—wait for it—self-control (Galatians 5:22–23). Are those things visible when we are arguing? Or do we somehow imagine the fruit of the Spirit goes on recess when somebody is wrong?

Maybe God Is Working on You Too

Here is something we don’t consider nearly enough when we are correcting another person: while we are trying to teach them something, God may be teaching us something. You may be right about the issue and wrong about your attitude. You may be correct about their behavior and blind to your arrogance. You may be bringing necessary truth while God is exposing your impatience. You may be confronting their sin while He is confronting yours.

Isn’t that just like God?

Job was the most righteous man around, and God still had things for Job to learn. Why would you and I think that because our conclusion is correct there is nothing happening in our hearts that needs attention? Perhaps the person in front of you needs the truth you are bringing, and perhaps you need to learn how to love the person you’re bringing it to.

Both can be true at exactly the same time.

Mercy Belongs in the Conversation

There is something else we seem to forget when we are determined to be right: mercy.

We love mercy when we are the ones who need it.

And we need it every day.

We are enormously thankful that God does not deal with us according to the full measure of what our sins deserve. We delight in His patience with us, His long-suffering, His steadfast love, His forgiveness, and His kindness. We know what it is to come before Him with nothing to offer except the righteousness of Christ—and receive mercy again.

Then somebody else gets something wrong and suddenly we’re interested in justice.

Jesus said, “Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, and not sacrifice’” (Matthew 9:13). Mercy is not the abandonment of truth. Biblical mercy exists precisely because the truth about sin is real. But mercy changes the posture of the person carrying that truth.

If I remember how much mercy I have received, it becomes considerably harder to approach another sinner as though I am standing on higher ground.

I’m not.

I’m standing on grace.

“I’m Just a Truth-Bringer”

I can hear somebody saying, “Hey, I’m just a truth-bringer. I tell people the truth. What they do with it is their problem.”

Well…

You’re also called to be a love-bringer.

If you bring truth without love, Paul says you can become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. A lot of noise. And then he tells us what love actually looks like: patient, kind, not arrogant, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeping no account of wrongs, and rejoicing with the truth (1 Corinthians 13:4–7).

Did you catch that?

Love rejoices with truth.

They aren’t enemies. God didn’t create this tension. We did. The real tension is usually between truth and our flesh—pride, anger, fear, the need to win, the desire to prove ourselves, the delicious little satisfaction of landing the perfect response and watching the other person’s argument collapse.

Ephesians 4:29 gives us a rather uncomfortable litmus test: our words should build others up according to their need and give grace to those who hear. So before you hit Post, ask yourself: Will this give grace to the person who hears it?

If not, rewrite it. Rethink it. Maybe wait. Maybe pray. Maybe ask a question. Maybe just be quiet.

There really is no biblical command requiring us to immediately publish every thought that crosses our mind.

Dominant Personalities—Beloved, We Need to Talk

Now let me speak rather directly to those of us with strong Dominant personalities.

Us.

I know this territory.

Dominant personalities can have a significant problem with self-awareness. Some have almost none. Not because Dominants are uniquely wicked people, but because the natural direction of the personality works against it. We are focused forward. There is the goal. There is the problem. There is what needs to happen next. There is the hill.

Take the hill.

Forward.

And self-awareness lives largely in looking back.

What just happened? What effect did I have on that person? What happened to the room when I said that? Did I persuade them—or did I overpower them? Did they agree with me, or did they simply decide that disagreeing with me wasn’t worth the fight?

Those are not questions we naturally stop to ask.

Unless the Holy Spirit controls us, our Dominant strengths can become very destructive weaknesses. We can lose our peripheral vision. We see the mission, the objective, the truth that needs to be proclaimed, and we stop seeing the people standing around us. We can become harsh, domineering, intimidating, self-righteous, selfish, and yes, sometimes cruel. We can walk right over somebody and then explain that the reason they’re lying on the floor is that they should have gotten out of the way.

And the entire time, we can believe we are simply “standing for truth.”

Beloved, sometimes we can cause more damage with our response than the other person’s error caused in the first place.

That is truth too.

The fact that you are right does not make everything you do while being right righteous.

Christ doesn’t merely intend to use your strength. He intends to sanctify it. A Dominant personality under the control of the Holy Spirit can become courageous, decisive, protective, clear, strong, and extraordinarily useful in leadership. That same strength controlled by the flesh can become domination.

So look back. That may be one of the most important disciplines you ever develop. Ask people you trust what it is like to disagree with you. And when they tell you, don’t explain why they’re wrong.

Listen.

If several people independently tell you that you are intimidating, harsh, dismissive, or difficult to approach, there is at least a reasonable possibility that the common denominator isn’t everybody else.

And remember while you are correcting someone else’s sin that Christ died for the millions of sins you have committed, the ones you are committing now, and the ones you will commit tomorrow. You and I are enormously thankful that He is long-suffering and patient with us. It is His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

If kindness is God’s way with you, perhaps it should become your way with others.

Supportive Personalities—Please Don’t Leave the Room

On the other side of the coin, strong Supportive personalities hate conflict and may do almost anything not to get involved in it.

And frankly, part of the reason may be those of us I just finished talking to.

Who wants to walk willingly into a room with somebody carrying a flamethrower?

So, on behalf of Dominants everywhere who have made your lives unnecessarily difficult because we refused to temper our personality, I apologize.

Now please come back.

We need you.

You bring something to difficult conversations that the rest of us desperately need: patience, gentleness, stability, concern for relationship, and a natural awareness of how decisions and words affect people. Those are not secondary concerns. They are part of the reality in the room.

But you also need to speak. Avoiding necessary truth because conflict makes you uncomfortable is not love. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is enter a difficult conversation you would much rather avoid. Bring your gentleness. Bring your kindness. Bring your patience.

And bring the truth.

We need all of it.

Inspiring Personalities—Not Every Thought Needs to Escape

Then there are those of us with strong Inspiring personalities.

We like people. We like words. We like people and words, which means there can be rather a lot of words.

We bring humor into tense situations. We can persuade. We often read the emotional temperature of a room rather quickly. We want people to like us, which can make us reluctant to say something difficult, and at other times we can say something hurtful without thinking because it seemed funny in our head.

Ask me how I know.

We need to do our homework before we speak. We need to make sure the thing we’re saying is actually true and not merely interesting. We need to test why we’re saying it. Are we trying to help? Persuade? Encourage? Or are we performing?

And just because you think something doesn’t mean you have to say it.

I know.

That came as a surprise to me too.

Conscientious Personalities—Factual Is Good; Cold Is Not

Finally, our Conscientious personalities.

The thinkers. The processors. The rule keepers. Reserved and Task Oriented. They have a tendency to listen while the rest of us exhaust ourselves talking, process the whole discussion, and then near the end say something annoyingly profound.

And they have a tendency to be right.

Why?

Because they did their homework first.

They tend to respond rather than react. They gather information. They think. They check. Then they wade in.

We need that.

But Conscientious friends, you can bring truth so neutrally that the other person has no idea whether you care about them at all. Factual is good. Cold is not. The fact is that God calls you to love too.

Bring the logic. Bring the research. Bring the careful thinking. But add some warmth to your truth. Word and reword your argument so the person receiving it can tell you actually desire their good. You can also become critical and judgmental because you see errors other people miss. Remember—you aren’t omniscient either.

You’ve typically got the WHAT right.

Make sure you get the HOW right too.

Speak to This Person

Take some time to understand the person in front of you. Answer them according to their personality, not merely yours. That doesn’t mean changing the truth. It means loving the person enough to communicate truth in a way they can actually hear. If my only goal is to unload what I know, I can say it however I want. If my goal is to serve the person in front of me, I have to think about how they hear, how they process, what they fear, what they already understand, and what will help them move toward what is true.

That’s not manipulation.

That’s communication.

And it’s love.

James tells us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger” (James 1:19).

For our age, perhaps we could add:

Be quick to read carefully and slow to post.

Bring the Truth!

There is no room here for abandoning truth. Bring it. Bring the truth when it is easy and when it is difficult. Bring it when someone wants to hear it and when they don’t. Bring it when silence would be easier. Bring it when the culture hates it. Bring it when somebody you love is walking toward destruction and you would rather not have the conversation.

Bring the truth!

And bring it in love.

Because that is the command.

Patient. Kind. Not arrogant. Not rude. Not self-seeking. Not easily angered. Gentle. Self-controlled. Seeking the good of the person standing in front of you. This isn’t merely a communication technique. This is Christlikeness.

Paul says, “Let all that you do be done in love” (1 Corinthians 16:14). Peter tells us, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). And Paul urges us to walk worthy of our calling “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,” eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:1–3).

So which is more important?

Speaking the truth?

Or speaking in love?

You already know the answer now.

Speak the truth… in love.

Don’t ignore half of His command.

Because the world doesn’t only need to hear that Christians know the truth.

They need to see what the Truth has done to us.

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Coaching Questions

[The purpose of these questions is not merely to evaluate what you know, but to help you examine how these truths are showing up in your life and leadership. Take your time with them. Resist the temptation to answer quickly or to think primarily about someone else who needs to hear this. Ask the Lord to help you see yourself clearly, invite someone you trust to speak honestly into your life, and identify where knowledge needs to become action. Applied knowledge repeated consistently becomes transformation.]

1. When you disagree with someone, which half of the command comes more naturally to you—truth or love? How might your personality cause you to emphasize one while believing you are adequately practicing both?
2. Think about your last difficult conversation or disagreement. If the other person described not merely what you said but what it felt like to receive it from you, what do you think they would say? Where did you get the WHAT right, and where might God want to change the HOW?
3. How often do you move from evaluating another person’s words, actions, or ideas to assuming you know their motives? What would change in your relationships if you deliberately left room for what you do not know?
4. Who has permission to tell you what you are like when you are convinced you are right? Have you actually asked them? What patterns might they see in your tone, intensity, avoidance, humor, criticism, defensiveness, or lack of warmth that you cannot easily see yourself?
5. Is there a truth you currently need to speak to someone? Before you speak, ask: What does love require of me here? Then consider how patience, kindness, humility, gentleness, mercy, and self-control should shape not the truth itself, but the way you bring it.

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